“Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.” ~Marilyn Monroe   Why does it have to hurt so badly?  You’re so in love, but your relationship has become toxic. It simply can’t continue.  Night after sleepless night, you lie awake replaying the fights in your head. You can’t understand why your partner won’t change or how they can simply ignore how you feel. You wonder if they ever truly loved you.

You’ve tried everything to save your relationship, but nothing’s worked. You know it’s time to end it, yet the thought of being alone petrifies you.

But still, the pain has become too unbearable. If you don’t end things now, you might completely lose yourself.

Learning to Let Go

Letting go of someone you care about is definitely a difficult thing to do.  I was forced to accept that my relationship with my ex wasn’t meant to be.  The lies and the cheating became too much to handle. And to make matters worse, he was also physically abusive to me.  The blows were so unexpected. I never knew if the next argument would put me in the hospital, or maybe worse, be my last. I wanted him to stop hurting me. I wanted him to understand that his behavior tore me apart inside.  I wanted him to change.  It didn’t matter how much I loved him. It didn’t matter if I was the best woman or friend in the universe; nothing would have worked.  Was he really worth all of this?  No, he wasn’t. And I knew I needed to get him out of my life.  If you’re stuck in a toxic relationship, know that you can find the strength to get yourself out of it and move on.

Realize That You Deserve Better

Sometimes, loving someone just isn’t enough if you aren’t receiving the same love in return.  It’s like putting work into an old, broken-down car. No matter how much sweat and tears you put into it, it will never be the same again. The time you waste on the wrong person prevents the right person from coming your way.  How can they come into your life if you already have that space filled?  It took me a long time to realize this.  If you had told me back then that I would have found a man who truly loved and respected me for who I was, I would have never believed you.  I had to let go.  Shortly after as I let go of my abusive relationship, I met my husband. He is the reason I believe in true love today.  I am living proof that you can experience true love if you just believe that something much better is out there for you.  You may not know who they are, or when they will come, but they are waiting on you to let go so that they can come into your life.

Stop Waiting for Your Partner to Change

This is the biggest mistake a person can make when deciding to stay in a relationship in which you’re being mistreated.  You have to accept that the only person you control in this world is yourself.  Unless the other person owns up to their mistakes, and shows the desire to get help, they probably won’t change.  They may promise to change and turn things around for the better.  They may even be genuine about their intentions at that moment.  But more than likely, things will stay the same, especially if they made promises in the past that they didn’t fulfill.  Change has to come from within; it can’t be forced. Only then do things have a chance of working themselves out.  I thought my ex would change for me. I thought that if I tried hard enough to convince him how much he hurt me, he would have no choice but to change. But I was wrong.  Sometimes our judgment is clouded. Sometimes we simply want to see the best in someone. Sometimes we’re just so afraid of being alone.  Regardless of what we tell ourselves, some relationships are just irreparable.

Accept That It Will Hurt

There is no easy way of getting around it.  It’s going to hurt. And it’s going to hurt a lot!  You’re worried about missing the feeling of being desired and wanted, the intimate and close moments you shared.  Instead of being just a part of your life, they have become your entire life. You have forgotten how to live for yourself.  Getting over the initial discomfort of being alone is the hardest part. But once you get past that stage, life becomes a whole lot easier.  The lessons you learn along the way will allow you to grow and become a better person.  The pain will not last forever. Time is your best friend.  When I ended my relationship with my ex, I tried everything I could to distract myself. I figured that if I didn’t think about it, the pain would eventually disappear.  When that didn’t work, I tried to think of ways to mend our relationship rather than end it. I figured that accepting the disappointment in him was easier to handle than being lonely.  That was another failed attempt at avoiding heartache.  At some point, I knew I had to accept that it would never work out, and any route I took to end it wouldn’t be an easy one.  If you work through the pain, instead of trying to avoid it, you limit the chances of your feelings coming back to haunt you later on.

Use Crying As a Cure

The best thing you can do for yourself is to release the pain. Don’t hold it in.  Sometimes, we are expected to be strong when we’re dealing with tough situations.  I’ve found that to be ineffective.  The more I tried to hold in my pain and be strong, the worse I felt, and I eventually stressed myself out.  So what did I do?  I cried.  I cried over and over again, and then I cried some more.  Yup, you heard me right.  I cried like a baby!  I stopped pretending everything was okay. I allowed the tears to keep falling until I felt they couldn’t fall any longer. It lasted a few weeks, but I felt like a new person when it was over.  The tight feeling in my chest was no longer there. I began to think clearer and notice that things weren’t truly as bad as I thought they were.  I started smiling again. I started noticing the sun shining and the beautiful clouds in the sky. I was no longer in that dark place. I felt brand new.  Instead of trying to be strong, crying can help with the healing process.

Take Some Time Off

Sometimes, it seems like the end of the world, even though it’s not.  Your mind attempts to play tricks on you, making you believe that happiness isn’t possible any longer.  But that isn’t true.  Often, the best cure for pain is time.  By resting your heart, mind and soul, you give yourself a chance to heal. This is also the best time to get to know you.  Maybe there’s a hobby that you love or an activity you enjoy doing.  For me, it was baking. Even though it didn’t completely take my mind off of things, it allowed me to spend time alone doing something I really enjoyed.  And I appreciated that.  Eventually, I began focusing more on myself, and less on my situation.  It didn’t work immediately, but over time, it helped a lot.  If you allow it, each day will become a little easier. Time heals.  And even though my relationship didn’t work out as planned, I realized I could still enjoy my life.

Happiness is Within Your Control

Your life isn’t over. Taking back control begins with you.  Everyone needs help at one time or another. You don’t have to go through this alone.  If you’re in a toxic relationship, there are people that can help you. Seeking help from your loved ones, a professional or even a clergy member, can help you get back on your feet.  I am living proof that you can get through this. You can overcome your situation.  Just imagine finally being happy again and enjoying the things that you used to love. No more worrying about the future. You are finally content with the present.  The load has been lifted off of your chest. The tears no longer fall.  You finally realize you deserve better. It may seem unimaginable right now, but it’s definitely possible.  If you make the choice today, you are one step closer to a happier tomorrow.  You can do it. I believe in you. Now it’s time for you to believe in yourself.  Make a declaration that today starts the healing process. From now on, you will work toward living the amazing life you deserve.

**If you believe you are in a dangerous situation, please seek help. Don’t wait. Contact The National Domestic Violence Hotline for help. You can find additional free resources here.